


wanna feel it with somebody else

by hanzios



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bunker Years, Closure, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Post-Break Up, au where bryan survives praimfaya and he's chosen for the bunker, mackson but in bryan's pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27684751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanzios/pseuds/hanzios
Summary: Sometimes when Bryan looks at them across the mess hall, like what he’s doing right now, staring at each other in the way he and Nate used to look at each other, he can’t help but feel this aching pang in his chest.OR: Bunker Mackson, but in Bryan's perspective (AU)
Relationships: Bryan & Nathan Miller, Eric Jackson/Nathan Miller
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7





	wanna feel it with somebody else

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the lyrics
> 
> i'm not gonna sit here and deny  
> what i'm pretty sure i felt  
> i want what we had,  
> just wanna feel it with somebody else
> 
> from the song 'i think your nose is bleeding' by the front bottoms

Bryan recalls the first time Nate told him he loved him.

It was on the Ark, days shy from their 7th month together. They were each other’s first boyfriends, and there’s just something so special when you’re touching a boy like that for the first time in your life – no shyness, no holding back. Just skin on skin, clumsy and endearing. Nate had whispered those words after collapsing onto him, his lips grazing Bryan’s red ear.

If he were being honest, Bryan has been trying to push that memory from his head for a while now. But, he realizes, no matter how hard you try, you never forget your first.

And Nate was his many firsts.

It was stupid of him to think Nate would be his last, too.

They’ve rekindled what was left of their friendship on the days after Praimfaya. Bryan was just lucky to make the cut; however, he wasn’t quite sure of how he felt seeing his ex-boyfriend with someone else. It’s not like he’s still in love with Nate. It’s just… difficult forgetting the memories they shared together.

Sometimes when he looks at them across the mess hall, like what he’s doing right now, staring at each other in the way he and Nate used to look at each other, he can’t help but feel this aching pang in his chest. Bryan averts his gaze to his tasteless rations, poking at the greens.

God, they haven’t even broken up for a month, and Nate has already found someone else. All while Bryan is still recovering from the end of their two-year relationship.

He sounds like a bitter asshole, but he allows himself to feel that way.

But despite the pain it brings him, Bryan looks up once again.

Nate says something that makes Jackson laugh. At the sight of the happiness on his face, Bryan quickly gets why Nate chose the doctor. Even from afar, there’s a brightness in Jackson’s expression, his grin widening as he looks at Nate.

Dr. Griffin is with them, too, her back on Bryan. He watches them intently, but inconspicuously.

Their conversation turns glum, their expressions hardening. The leaves beneath Bryan’s fork look pitiful as he continues to poke at them absent-mindedly.

After saying something, Nate stands up, squeezing Jackson’s shoulder. When he leaves, Jackson’s gaze follows him. Bryan can’t help but check out the man’s toned back as he exits the mess hall, as well.

That used to be his.

Finally, Bryan refocuses on his food. His vegetables are a pathetic sight, torn and shredded into ugly little pieces. He shakes his head and swallows it down. He’ll need the extra energy on his night shift with Nate later.

Suddenly, a loud clang echoes around the room. Instinctively, Bryan bolts from his seat to find a woman shaking violently on the ground. Jackson and Dr. Griffin quickly rush to her, assessing the damage. Everything seems to be happening so quickly when two Skaikru members slash the necks of Azgeda guards and begin to close the doors.

“Hey, what the _hell–_ “ Bryan starts to walk over to them when a fellow guard puts an arm in front of him. Kevin is looking at him with stern eyes.

“Don’t intervene, Bryan,” he says, voice low.

He stops but challenges his friend’s stare. “ _Kevin, w–_ “

“Everybody stay calm!” The woman, who Bryan now recognizes is Cooper, bellows after standing up. “We’re safe here, they can’t get to us.”

Kane steps closer to her, but he doesn’t get too far. Someone hits the former chancellor on the head with the butt of a rifle, making him fall in a thud. Bryan could only helplessly watch as Cooper announces, venom in her voice, “We’re taking back what’s ours.”

+

Bryan’s fingers are linked in front of him, pressed in front of his tight lips as he ponders his next move. Unfortunately for him, he can’t do anything about it. He’s already talked with his fellow guards, and they all seem to be pretty okay with the situation. Even if Kane and Dr. Griffin have been taken out the back as prisoners.

This is wrong. He knows it is. But a part of him is inclined to just let it go.

His duty has always been to _his_ people. And most of his people are right here. Most of his people except…

_Nate._

The sound of a metal chair scraping the floor beside him suddenly takes him out of his thoughts. To his surprise, when he turns around, he finds Jackson sitting on the empty seat beside him, his expression glum. Bryan carefully looks around before looking back at the doctor.

“Jackson,” he says, his tone questioning and almost high-pitched.

Jackson looks around, too, before turning to him again. “Are you okay with this?” his voice is low, urgent. He tries to hide to worry in his voice but fails.

Bryan shakes his head, sucking his cheek. “No, I’m not, but… what am I supposed do?”

“If there were enough of us…” Jackson moves his voice closer, as if in conspiracy. “Maybe we could get them to open the door.”

Bryan sighs. “I don’t have my gun. How many people have you recruited?”

Jackson’s eyes fall to the ground for a second before looking at Bryan again. “So far, you.”

“Hell of an army, doc,” Bryan can’t help but retort bitingly. This day has been stressful enough as it is, but with his ex’s current boyfriend in front of him… he can’t bear it. He’s so used to observing them from afar, so when confronted with the reality face-first, Bryan can’t help but let it get to him.

The doctor looks taken aback at first, but quickly composes himself. His face hardens, leaning forward as Bryan turns away.

“ _Nate’s_ out there.”

With the mention of his name, Bryan’s face snaps to him. There is a lump on his throat as he, once again, remembers the first time Nate told him he loved him. The memory seems to play in his brain like reflex.

Maybe he does still love him. He doesn’t know.

After an eternity of silence, Bryan says, “What are we gonna do? There’s dozens of them and two of us.”

“Leverage,” Jackson replies easily as if he’s thought this out already. He probably has. “If I can get a gun, threaten to shoot myself, they’ll surrender. They wouldn’t let one of their only two doctors kill themselves.”

Bryan’s eyes only widen at the man’s plan. “No. _No._ You’re not going to leverage _yourself_ to get us out of here.”

“I have to. If not, they–“

He cuts him off mid-sentence, “It’s a _bad idea,_ Jackson. How sure even are you that they’ll surrender? Besides, if _you_ get injured or die, N–“ Bryan pauses, almost saying, _Nate wouldn’t be able to take it._ Instead he takes a breath before adding, “I couldn’t have that in my conscience.”

Jackson shakes his head, his elbows landing on the table in front of them. He’s rubbing his palms anxiously, looking more vulnerable than Bryan has ever seen him. Gone is the calm, collected doctor Bryan has come to know. It concerns him, looking at Jackson in this rattled state.

Before knowing what he’s doing, Bryan already has a hand on the man’s shoulder. His muscles tense under the touch momentarily, but slowly relax when Bryan squeezes it. Bryan’s mind goes to dangerous territory – _Nate touched him here an hour ago –_ before saying, “I’ll think of something. I promise.”

Jackson folds his arms on the table before looking at him, eyes glassy but without tears. “I have to get to Nate,” he says.

Bryan only nods, a clipped smile on his face. “I know.”

He tells the doctor to get back to his seat, so Cooper and her goons don’t get the wrong idea. Jackson does, a frown permanently sewn in his face. Bryan sits in his own chair for a long while, his fellow guards occasionally coming to talk to him. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do, but he promised Jackson he’ll get him to Nate. And they may not be together anymore, but Bryan still cares for him a lot, maybe even more than he’s willing to admit.

+

It’s been hours since they’ve been stuck in the mess hall, and some have already begun to claim sleeping spots on the ground. Bryan moves to a table closer to Jackson, but still far enough. The gentle strums of a guitar fill the room.

Bryan is sitting back on his chair when out of the corner of his eye, he finds Jackson staring at Cooper intently. His gaze snaps to the doctor’s hand, reaching over to the gun attached to Cooper’s hip. Instinctively, Bryan shoots up from his seat.

He’s about to do something – _anything –_ to stop what’s happening, when Cooper walks away, leaving a dejected Jackson turning back on his seat. When he looks up, he meets Bryan’s eyes, the younger man walking to sit in front of him.

 _“What was that?”_ he whispers, leaning over.

Jackson doesn’t reply, just staring at his hands laid out on the table. Bryan instantly softens at the sight of him, moving back a little. “You have to trust me. I–I’ll come up with something.”

The other man just nods absently, sinking in his chair. Bryan mimics his position, watching the doctor stare at nothing, deep in his own thoughts. Jackson’s eyebrows are sewn together, his eyes blinking rapidly as he taps his finger on his arm. He looks like a man who has lost the love of his life.

Bryan isn’t stupid – he knows how much Jackson cares for Nate. But what surprises him is how far the doctor is willing to go to get back to him. Watching Jackson now, Bryan realizes that maybe he’s been petty. He sighs. Instantly, his jealousy starts to die down, his chest now consumed by the reassurance that Nate is in good hands.

Jackson loves him.

Jackson loves him so much, he’ll risk his own life to save him.

There was a time in his life that Bryan would’ve done anything for Nate, too. Unfortunately, that had included lying to him and betraying his trust. In the end, they’d been their own downfall. And it’s time for Bryan to let go.

They sit in silence for a long time. Bryan once considers asking Jackson about Nate, but decides against it. To his surprise, it’s Jackson who speaks first.

“He talked about you a lot, you know,” he says. Bryan tries to pretend the usage of past tense doesn’t bother him. “While we were in Becca’s island. He really loved you.”

There is a maturity in Jackson that’s quite evident in the way he says those words. Not everyone would be comfortable with saying that to a partner’s ex-lover. Perhaps it’s because of his age, perhaps it’s just who Jackson is. Bryan thinks it’s both.

He huffs a breath that almost sounds like laughter. “He talked about you, too.”

That seems to grab Jackson’s attention, his eyes widening.

Bryan smiles wistfully at the memory of better times. “We used to play Fuck, Marry, Kill.”

Jackson snorts at that, looking away.

“ _What?”_ Bryan chuckles. “Not much fun to do in Arkadia. We had our ways to pass time in between fighting Grounders.”

The doctor looks like he’s feeling a bit better than before, which Bryan considers a victory. The tips of his ears are a deep red, almost imperceptible against his skin. But Bryan catches the warm tint under the overhead lights.

“It was you, Bellamy, and Lincoln.”

“Do I wanna know?” Jackson asks, amused.

“He said he’d marry you,” Bryan says, smiling. He snaps his fingers. “Like that. Said you had kind eyes, and that you were good with your hands.” He teases suggestively, making Jackson chuckle, shaking his head.

“He wouldn’t marry Bellamy?”

“Would you marry someone you consider a brother?”

“I wouldn’t fuck ‘em, either,” Jackson jokes. That makes Bryan laugh – a genuine one that comes from the stomach. He can’t help but hear Nate’s own biting humor in Jackson’s. For some reason, that makes him happier than he already is.

+

Bryan warms up to Jackson pretty easily.

The man is an easy conversation, his humor dry yet never missing. Amidst the tense atmosphere, they manage to talk about a couple of things, momentarily forgetting about the situation they were in. They haven’t come up with a plan yet, but Bryan is sure that the both of them will think of something.

He’s quick to realize why Nate fell in love with Jackson. That fact doesn’t bother him as much as it used to.

They’re both in the middle of a conversation when the lights suddenly go out. Panic erupts inside the room, and in an instant, the doors are busted open, a crowd of large silhouettes stepping inside. To their relief, it’s Octavia, her guards right behind her. Amidst the chaos, Bryan and Jackson split up. While the doctor goes off to free Kane and Abby, Bryan moves to help with arresting the perpetrators.

Octavia eyes him carefully for a second, her whole face drenched in blood, before nodding curtly at him to do his job. 

Bryan rounds up Cooper and the others into the main area, a harsh beam of light washing the center of the room. When he finishes, moving closer to the crowd, he looks up. From his distance, he finds Nate holding onto Jackson, looking at him in a way he used to look at Bryan.

Nate says something that makes Jackson stop in his tracks. (Bryan could only guess what he said.)

With that, Nate steps forward and pulls Jackson in for a kiss. Bryan tears his eyes away at that, instead turning to focus on the scene in front of him.

He’s happy for them, he really is. He’s happy that Nate has found someone that makes him feel loved and protected, someone that holds him gently and showers him with affection, someone permanent.

Bryan’s happy that that someone is Jackson.

+

Days later, Bryan is feeling a little lighter.

Despite the rising tensions in the bunker due to that one incident, everything has been going well. Whenever he sees Nate, there is no more longing or guilt swelling in his chest. He’s had time to reflect on their past relationship, and Bryan has come to the realization that some things, no matter how hard you try, just aren’t meant to be.

One night, as they they’re gearing up for their night rotations, Nate comes up to him.

“Thanks,” he says.

Bryan looks around the room, their other colleagues still getting ready. His eyes finally settle on Nate. “For what?”

“Jax told me about you guys in the mess hall, how you helped him calm down, stopped him from doing some stupid shit,” Nate replies. “I haven’t had the chance to thank you for that.”

Bryan offers a tight smile, nodding. “No need to thank me. He’s a great guy and…” He says, “I’m happy for the both of you. You deserve him.”

Something dark casts over Nate’s eyes, and Bryan can’t help but interpret it as pity.

Nate places a hand on Bryan’s shoulder – it’s the most touch he’s given him for months – and squeezes gently. “You’ll find someone like that, too.” He attempts to smile. “I’m sorry it couldn’t be me.”

Bryan just nods, unable to say anything else. “Yeah.”

Their conversation ends abruptly after that. These few weeks, talking to each other have gradually become easier, but it’ll take them a few more to become casual friends. Nate knows that, and Bryan appreciates Nate’s efforts. God knows he’s trying, too.

**Author's Note:**

> i've had this idea stuck in my head for days now. glad to have finally finished writing it lolol.


End file.
